TaGgEd_Eljay's Xanga

Monday, August 01, 2005

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 03:02:39 GMT

MUSIC- TALIB KWELI FT. HI TEK- 2000 REASONS
Okay I turned 18 today. great huh? now if i get in trouble. its worse. It was nice being minor.anybody who still is. your lucky. have fun while u can. haha.
   updates- Im driving now, my mom lets me. i have my license.
My party @ the beach, and hawaiian BBQ, b-day party was great.
Of my friends, Cathy mah baby made it, of course ^_^, Kim made it and Lorenzo.
Thing about having A b-day Party in summer is.. Nobody is free. or everybodys working. ect. plus i have to live so far. -_-. Coz the b-day was @ Camp Penalton.
yeah it was on base. :).
    Me and Cathy are alright. Im looking for a job. I have a few HOoK Ups.
that im gonna try to use to get me a Job. my friend J owns this store in the mall.
One of those carts. and he told me he'd hire me wen I turn 18.
My friends mom Runs A P.F. CHANGS in Mission Mall. i Could work there.
start off as a bus boy. ^_^.
     um my mazda is officially working. no problems for now.
Damn u 626.
COUSINS and Family are commin From canada soon. on FRiday.
10 of them are staying @ my small 3 bedroom house. i'll prolly be sleepin in
the hallway. haha j/k. Since my younger brother got kicked out. they'll be using
his bed and my bed. Doubles. Lola comes back September from S.D.
so i might sleep in her room if Jackie dosnt. the kids sleep in the living room.
Im bombing the house for insects on wednesday. and dropping mah bro off in corona agian on wed also. maybe we stop by the galleria, or Ontario Millz.
anyways. thats all for now. o. my girl is no longer a child molestor.
i got 2 calls today. lorenzo and her, yesterday, Eula, matt, song.
thnx guys. :).
mahal kita Cathy, Ikaw Lang.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 08:48:17 GMT

mood: broken=
Song - Kai- I'll be loving you forever.

let me start it off here.
i cant get any fucking sleep. yes. im actually using profanity. its appropreate.
it catches attention. its emotional.
-to the love of my so called life-
2. i never thought anything so amazing could happen. i wished it would never end. I needed nothing else. i wanted nothing else. i need nothing else still.
I ask for too much.
I am selfish.
I am unworthy. I dont Deserve. I Regret.
I hope you'll forget. I know you'll be okay.
I cause you stress. i cause you pain. i cause you suffering. i cause you harm.
I tire you, I frustrait you, you love me. i love you..
Im a Failure, all people fail. I just do alot.
I am Forcefull, yoour only with me still. because I begged you to stay.
Im only with you still because your kind enough to let me.
You only let me stay because you felt bad, felt guilty and you care so much for me. because you know im crazy w/o you.
I only make you mad. Disappoint you to no countable amount.
   I mess up. i Say the wrong thing. I do the wrong things.
I dont do what you expect of me. I am not Worthy.
4. You dont always tell me how you feel. you say it dosnt matter. it matters more than anything.
Its ironic because. You love me so much. even tho im such a fool you stay with me. You want to break up with me @ times. coz im Too much.
IM Fucking. Kulit, Fucking. masyado. too maulit.
Its ironic really. because you say that even tho i do the wrong thing or say it . it wont matter coz you love me and your feelings dont matter. but i say that its all that matters coz i love you and i want to make you happy but you say its okay its okay. it dosnt matter.
IT dOES MATTER. thats the POINT. bahaby. dont you see. your what i want your everything to me. your feelings is what im concerned about.
:(.
i cant believe this is happening i never imagined.
-5. I lost it all. Once,,,, the # of heart i have, 1 love and im done, that'll be the end.
6- dont you understand....
:"IM SORRY. (but what are words anyways? SORRY cant possibly be good enough") IM SORRY. ALl the lies that came from my worthless mouth, all my fear and undenyable doubt. I dont deserve you, there, i let the truth come out. What is this about? im letting a bird go free, because being with me, was a prison cell, and somebody lost the key. I've stressed you out to the thousandth degree, common told me, to go go go, back to my fantasy. the one where I make you happy, the one where i can be called sexy, but baby girl, you let me hold you down, so tight, your smile was lost, not found, the frown, on your face, never became erased. as i look @ you, i realize what i've lost, i cant stay friends with you, i know what i've tossed, i know im just pathetic, your better w/o me, so just forget it,. my tears, my heart, my love, its all yours, i pray, i hoped and i wish, you realize im not lying, if i need to, i'll prove I love you till im dying.
LJ LOVES Cathy Forever 11 11 04.
I wish it could be different. i wish i was perfect.
there is no perfect. and im too far from it.
too far from what you need me to be.
too far from what a good boyfriend is.
too far from knowing how to have a good relationship.
Im just a NERD, i dont know how to have a girL.
   I even throw dirt, on my own name,
And proclaim my shame, and feel sorry for whoever claim,
claim to love such a fool. I'll tatoo fool of taboo, on my
right arm, hope nobody will cause you no harm.
i believed by being with me. you would be always happy.
i'd protect you from people who will treat you right.
PROMISE ME THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF YOU DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BE CAREFULL. I WANT THE FUCKING BEST FOR YOU.
HONESTLY! I WISH THE MOST PERFECT GUY.
COULD TAKE OVER FOR ME. COZ what i want is for you to be happy.
okay..... I DONT WANT YOU TO EVER BE HURT AGIAN. i
wish i could have protected you forever. i wish i could never have
let you got hurt. i wish everything for you.
i cant think about it without crying. thats why i cant live with this.
cathy. hunny. i cant live with this. i cant i cant ..
i cant stay friends with you and watch you get hurt by somebody else.
i cant think of you and not be hurt by my loss,
i cant not think of you.
.... i cant forget you....
i cant stop crying...
i have nothing left to lose now...
i feel my heart. drownding...
i feel my heart dying..
i hate this.. i hate this ...... i hate this.......
i hate this. i hate this......
i hate this................... :(..................
anybody else. i cant ... i dont know ..
i've decided to talk to each onne of you agian. before i say goodbye.
im going to move. im going to leave. i will hang out with
each of you one last time. and tell you all the things i want to before i say goodbye. you have to understand. and i know you will move on easily. it wont be such a big deal right?
i'll give my brother my fone. if he dosnt move to corona.
besides lorenzo, jason, a few of my closest friends. you wont hear from me anymore. and even they will rarly hear of me.
fate twisted.
I dont know if i can laugh anymore. jeez thats harsh. this is .... not good. how else can i put it. i've lost all zest. i've lost all faith.
my heart only aches. and the pain is not bareable. not repairable.
this is it.. this relaly is it. :( im sorry.
hey.. i was lucky to be with her in the first place.
so i should be proud i got what i did right?
shit. but i want to always be...
whats the use. what i want. is me being selfish.
what i need. is not as important...
this is the end of it all? :( shit shit shit.
im such a screwup.....................................
............... i wish i had plain eyes. so that she never would have
fallen in love with them. i wish it so that she never would have
had to put up with the shit i give her.
i dont regret being with her. i love her. and i still want to be. i can never regret it. i just regret the stupid mistakes i made.
Im glad, that everything. everything i did. i tryed my hardest for her. even if it was not good enough.
im glad. that i was able to last almost 8 months with her. longer than I deserved.
Im glad I have fallen for her.
becausei always will love her.
Im glad i was able to show her how much i care for her. i just wish
i could have maintained it.
Im glad i took a chance with her. but i should have known better.
should have known that im not meant to be with somebody so wonderful. or even somebody @ all.
i should have known better than to be so serious. because she'll feel guilty and i dont want to cause her any harm. i should have known better than to have recently met her mom. because now its only been but a week and now whats she going to think?
Dont think of her as a bad person, dont you dare think differently of her. she is a better person than you'll ever know.
shes the most amazing person. and the fact is that shes just playing it smart. trust me. her only mistake was to be with me in the first place. i know some people think im a pretty cool guy. but you dont put up with what she does. you dont know me like she does.
FUCK YOU if you think badly of cathy for anything. Your intitled to your opinions. but you shouldnt judge her without first knowing completely. and you shouldnt spread your un-supported opinions and everything.
okay...........
anyways. its 2:40 and i gotta get to sleep so i can wake up @ 6:00.
i love you all. i love you cathy. i always will. and theres nothing that
will change that. ever.
HA, even if you faked it all along. i know you didnt. but i know i always will love you. and i admit it. im in love with you. and theres no changing that. i admit i wont forget you and i admit i am a fool for not treating you the way you desreve to be treated cathy.
*MUAH*. i love you like no other. my love for you may be infinate. but my tolerance for my own dissatisfaction and own self realization of my failure to you, is anything but infinate. i can not stand anymore. only live on my knees. because i cannot stand . standing is for the proud. and i cannot be proud while watching you suffer from the curse of the muramasa that i am. I onl bring disappointment to those around me and i only be false securities to who believes i am a good person.
.. i'll put more later. i love you cathy. .
its late. i get 3 hours of sleep.
take care everybody. make your decisions wisely.
i wished i could help more people out. i wish i could be better.
make something of myself. im tired of failing. im tired of disappointing.
-tagged :E l j a y X
"SOuls of the broken hearted, fade away quickly, and burn painfully."

Monday, June 20, 2005

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 17:07:43 GMT

http://upl.silentwhisper.net/textview.php?f=4ce68b21b0e1daa8b2482b63d5300cce
sclient info...

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 02:47:15 GMT

PRom. Well besides the constant. Crappy music played.
it was fun. I had some bad stomatch problems that night tho.
The dinner went great. instead of going with our group.
Cathy and I , Ate alone, romatically. but sadly @ mimi's Cafe. not the most expensive place. but we were short on time. didnt have any backup reservations.
The prom for Aliso Niguel High School was held at... The Long Beach AQuarium! so there was fish. yea. in the glass. not served for dinner. duh.
well.. it was pretty interesting. We were fasionably late 30 or so minutes. NOBODY there. well nobody really. then. about 30 minutes later. everybody stormed in...
everybody was there. haha.
one of the 1st people i saw.
Anthony. who said. "you look ... GORGEOUS~~!!". ahhaha. Cathy asked if he was gay. hahah. no he's very not gay.
vary barry. well.. fruity? sometimse. yeh its coo.
WE took our pics to avoid the lines tehre. plus. we got our pics 1 hour after we took them. instead of 2 weeks or w/e it takes for other people. and it was cheaper. took em at . P.O.S.E. in main place mall. pre-dinner.
they came out amazing! :).
at least i thought so.
i'll post them soon.
my first prom ever. and last. glad i went. Cathy looks so maganda as alawys.
you have no idea. shes soo gorgeous.
I cant stop thinking of her. and i couldnt stop staring at her. eh. staring is rude tho. right? im sorry i couldnt help myself.
well i'll add more later. Ai gotta go. aiit. everybody take care. peace out. mucho mahalz. . I love you cathy. Tagged :Eljay

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Wed, 25 May 2005 17:23:13 GMT

Doing a Debate for Speech and Debate Accelerated.
Topic. : Cloning/Stem Cell Research.
View: Agianst.

posting this so i can print the info from the pages below @ home to research them. :-F

http://www.csmonitor.com/2004/0408/p14s01-stct.html
http://www.probe.org/docs/stemcells.html
http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=4&q=http://www.newsbatch.com/stemcells.htm&e=9707
http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=10&q=http://www.gsreport.com/articles/art000062.html&e=9707
http://www.csicop.org/scienceandmedia/controversy/
http://wcco.com/lifeline2/local_story_109095636.html
http://www.globalchange.com/stemcells2.htm
http://www.socialismtoday.org/60/stem_cell_row.html
http://www.globalchange.com/SkyNews.html
http://www.globalchange.com/stemcells2.htm
http://www.agi-usa.org/pubs/tgr/07/4/gr070404.html
http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=19&q=http://abclocal.go.com/kfsn/news/050605_nw_stem_cell.html&e=9707
http://www.google.com/search?q=stem+cell+research+controversy+Debate&hl=en&lr=

Basically no use clicking on the links unless you want to learn about stem cell research. or about the cloning controversy. Honestly. I dont mind it. But im agianst the fact. of Taking away a persons originality. Im all for the cures. but there will be other ways.
~JA-NE~
Lastly. Im Here @ school just using the computer. Everybody take care. Cathy I LOVE YOU. MuchO MahaLz-
Show love. Hide Hate. no show hate too. But appreciate. ;)
-Tagged : Eljay

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Tue, 24 May 2005 16:29:31 GMT

Summer is almost here.. i miss the summer time.

ah. bonfires at the beach. cruzin.

nice weather. nice place. good times. house parties,

mall hoppin', movie hoppin'.
Ontario Mills, Irvine Spec, Cerritos, Cali. The world!

Summer is the best. and this time i got a Girl to spend it all with :). the first of the best times of my life. I love you Cathy :)

this time. No going to the Philippines. But maybe agian soon wid my Hunny.
I Looooooooooove YOu :)
BORACAY-- LAST SUMMER___

summer is gonna be even better this year coz....of more than just my girlfriend.
I CAN DRIVE.

that means i can go anywhere while im in corona instead of being stuck at home. *Yes*

For the record. school has been fun. Being a senior rocked. but its time to say goodbye.
hello to guitar at the beach, chillin wid friends and Just goin where ever. when ever. Prom is comin soon. cant wait. Dancer's Delight.

JUNE 3RD. thats the Date.
"O" b.t.w. .. Dance Appreciation May be performing "O" by Omarion. The moves from the video for the prom fasion show. Yupp! :).

Ah i forgot the moves tho. i can only remember a few parts.
Unshure tho.
ANy more Senior Spoilers?

the dance routine? for Senior send off? its a secret ;). i cant tell you.
But I'll tell you that i cant wait.

everybody "GET LIFTED" its summer.
---where just ordinary people,.. -
eh. Have fun. enjoy life. till its over.

thats all.
(last summer @ bonfire i've changed so much ; ) )

everybody peace out.

MUCHO MAHALZ. LOVE You Cathy-
Tagged : Eljay

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 06:55:43 GMT

mood: Happy

-3month Anni today!
wooo hooo. I LOVE YOU HUN.....!!!!!!
today was great. the best day i've had since last time i seen u hunny :p. I've been missin u extremely.
and I still do.

Old Pics but here u go:
-peace! i'll write more later.
mucho mahalz. Take care, nd keep it real.
tagged : Eljay

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 06:23:30 GMT

Mood: Hungry. and Frustrated
yeah kinda like me wen im HUNGRY and Frustrated. bad combination..........

anyways.... last two days were.. blah..
basically.
school. go to classes. straight home... from there.
all i had today to eat was...
pan de sal wid adobo in it. and a carne asada burrittoh from Los Golondrias.
oooooooooh. anyways heres this thing...........

last five things i thought about:
1. Cathy, what shes doing, and if shes sleeping yet.
2. if adings mad at me coz i didnt IM her.
3. who to ask for batteries 2maro morning.
4. whhere to go to for tutorial 2maro.
5. what time i'll have to wake up 2maro.

5 things that annoy me:
1. When people have something important to tell u but,
dont tell u untill its too late.
2. when people go to the mall TOO MUCH.
3. People who dont care about other people.
4. When people give up to easily.
5. when people concentrait on negative things mostly.
I know im dumb huh?

5 things i love:
1. My Cathy, by Her i mean MY LOVE.
2. Music and beautiful smiles.
3. Food
4. Artwork
5. Writing or designing.

5 things that I Ate this week:
1. Rice!
2. Pan De SaL!
3. Carne Asada Burritoh!
4.Pizza
5.ah duh bo!
Five favorite songs currently:
1. Boa - Valenti
2. Kyla- Make mE whole.
3. Tupac- Changes
4. M-flo - The way we were
5. MH - Alone

well things are...... not good.
but hey! it could be worse ^_~.
i miss u so much HUN!
So So MUCH!
*MUAH*
hopefully i'll c u 2maro!
^_^.
i love you all ^_~ but not the same way I love my Hunny Cathy ^_^.

 write bak later.
[fanart of munak](propz to the artist)

ahahhaha. anyways.. take care everybody.
:Mucho MahaLz: Tagged L:Eljay

Friday, February 04, 2005

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 06:33:56 GMT

attitude and mood:: RUN, ANGRY. HATRED. BURNING, FULL OF EMOTION. DESTRUCTIVE. FULL OF SORROWS.

Running Rage:self Suicide.
(RAP)
Feelin Destructive, explosive, aint nothing else to live for,
instead imma fill up the 9, and let my blood pour, i never felt so
poor, My body will be face down on the floor, letting all these feelings
explode from my core.
Never believed in saying never, now im thinking whatever, it dosnt matter
how I reach the treasure.
to rest in peace, I must venture to find the keys, follow the tracks of the beast,
the monster within me whos rage craves and feasts, all this hatred concealed in me,
and now its just waiting to be unleashed!
My mind has just went insane, Im pleading an imparment in my brain, these
evil thoughts my mind contains, can only be a truth unrealized.
Yet wen I open up my eyes, I cant help but try, destroy the vision the reflection
casts beside. Glass shatters and Mirrors Break, I test myself but fail to make,
I cannot pass so why did I take? Is everything i believed now fake?
please dont steal from me my faith.
leave me to believe that its okay.

either way, I have so much to say, I dont know if its worth it to Pray,
but either way, My life should not be delayed.

I cant stand to look at my face, I only see myself as a disgrace,
I cant stand to stay in this place, send me somewhere thats at my pace,
I know life is difficult, but i'd rather be hit by a lightning bolt.
I feel like a nut case, FUCK I dont need my own space, I need some grace,
I need to spray myself with some mase.
Just in time to daze, Got lost in this stupid maze, lost inside this psychotic
phase, let me realize that I will only taste.
If she was to leave, my heart could never be releaved, percieving isnt believing,
if im going to grieve. Cant achieve, cant obtain what I need,
IM trapped with an evil deed, which needs to feed.
My bodies gone, sacrificed all along, cut up from the need to belong.
Slashed, Mashed I Crash, Cant rid of any of my past, Cant hide from this endless
rash, It seems like every doubt has become a droubt.
The way I am, is nothing like when this began, If only I had ran.
If only I had ran, instead I am.

(like yellowcards rough draft)I wanna RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN, but its so far away,
I feel like a slave, there is no place, where i can find peace,
except for in your arms, i need you....
I Wanna RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN, but my legs are falling apart,
I feel runned by my heart, I can only xpress it through my art,
i dont even know y, im not going to cry, but if i xplode with tears,
know that I've conquered my fears, and they're only shed, coz my head has bled, now my skull is turning red, if i run to you please tell me what you said,
I'll already be dead, happily as long as i believe, she is meant for me.
I've got a GUNNNNNNNNNNNNN, and nobody can withstand,
im not going out like STAN, but if i was to take your hand, please tell me,
Im your only Man. If i could FLYYYYYYYYYYY, i wouldnt fly to the sky,
only to stay alive, if I ever Jumped remember Im deprived, wings can only flap
to save a life. I've got some GUMMMMMMMM, i chew in my hunger for food, the only food that kept my crew, they cant starve if I can make it through,
and i hope she has got the clue, that my heart depends on you,
I can only pray that the glue, wont ever become loose.
I Wanna COMEEEEEEEEEEEEE, I wouldn never appear from, never leave
my baby son, but still this seems to be the only escape. I sealed myself in masking tape, I never would conduct rape, im stuck, I strung my life line to you
steak, now the only beef we have cant be chewed or squashed.
I wish I'd Cared less, and then i took it back, and now i have to reminess,
i cant escape the attack, coming from the abyss, i dont know how to track,
all of this, its affecting me inside, but i wont ever subside, or suicide.
.............................end.......................................
[dont cut, dont jump, abortion satire, suicide, shooting self, Eminem's stan song,
because things are bad. death is not an anwser, intead i vent myself, through
words, through lyrics, through music, art. find a way to survive, to stay alive,
to want to live to see you grandchildrens... EYEs..]:themes -Eljay(C)

what do u think? good ? bad?..
I really like it.. I didnt want to stop writing it. but I had to. It could have been pages and pages long. anyways hope u love the song. wish everybody could get along. anyways now imma get going on, coz its late now I hope u cant relate, but not to the point that you are irrate. Dont underestimate, your stronger than you'll ever know, I hope I've showed, Suicide isnt the way to go.

Mucho mahalz. everybody take care. Peace, godbless. Tagged L:Eljay

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 00:35:52 GMT

MOOD: BUMMMER!
man im soo like.. out of it right now.
i dont want 2 do anything........
just talk to her.
and i cant.
thats such a smack in the face. a Kick in the stomatch while im down.
:(.
ah. i mean.. what if this goes on.. for 5 more months? if i dont see her .....
im gonna go cureazyh!
at least the tolls not outweighting the benefit. 
still the toll is gettin me broke.
and now we havent spoken, im running out of tokens,
i miss her, im feelin broken, but in the end,
shes worth it, and shes still my girlfriend,
i'll never bend, break, or undertake, underestimate our love agian,
coz me and her are perfectshin, and I'll always give her pure affectshin.
Cathy I love you like Jesus loves his Children, although were separated, our love is still builden. my heart is taken, aint no chance im playin, girl what im sayin, you got me here im stayin. Cathy im prayin, im glad you are carin,
never givin up on me, me? i wouldnt even dare it. Your my everything, cant wait for our wedding, girl u make me sing, and i'll do anything, *MUAH * i love you now this blog is ending."written by orijinally... Eljay"

Love always. mahal na mahal kita.
ITSUMO.
Tagged L:Eljay